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#1 2008-04-23 15:35:35

Qman
Member
From: Hub City (Denver, Colorado)
Registered: 2007-08-19
Posts: 189
Website

Faceless Detective Short!

Faceless detective: the short story series: episode 1

Tony Banga sat down at his desk to check his e-mail.  "man I'm hungry" said Tony.  He then got a call from the number:   555399 082.  That's strange, no one should be calling me at this hour.  Hello, who are you?  Asked Tony.  My name is James Edwards.  I have a story for you Mr. Banga.  There was a young woman who was murdered at 2 a.m. this morning.  I am not sure if the cops can help me.  It figures, said Tony, the cops are all corrupt in this town.  Do you know anyone who might be able to help me?

I might know someone...

Tony ran into a nearby alley, he put his faceless mask on, than he sprayed the mask with Dorderm, a type of binary gas.  Then he changed into a new black pinstriped suit, and a new brown trenchcoat and a brown fedora.  Faceless Detective drove to the crime scene in his black Jaguar convertible.  When faceless detective got to the crime scene,   he looked around, finally he found the young woman's body.  She wasn't much older than Tony, but she looked like she was in her mid-to late 20s.  It looked like she had been stabbed 15 times and then shot another 15 times.  Tony found bullets scattered around the pavement, and then an identification card right beside her hair.

The badge was smeared with blood, so it made it hard for Faceless Detective to see what the victims name was.

Faceless detective took as much evidence as he could to Robert Durken.  Robert Durken was one of the few forensic lab scientists who didn't lie about evidence to let criminals off the hook.  "well, it doesn't seem like she was off work.  This is going to take a while."  "Why" asked Tony.  The badge is smudged so badly that it's going to take a few more weeks than it should.  All try and dig up something said Faceless Detective.

Tony changed back into his normal suit and overcoat.  (Gray and brown is the color of Tony's regular clothes.)

Tony went back to his office at the Burbon City Post.  Tony was in his office, watching TV.  A news reporter had been reporting on the crime scene.  Tony thought it was weird that only one news network caught this story.  Tony was going to have to interrogate the reporter who was named Travis Barcules.

Travis Barcules was at a bar.  Barcules paid the bartender.  Unknown to him, Tony was lurking in a taxi waiting for him to come out.  Tony was dressed as a taxicab driver.  Where to asked the driver.  Just take me to the Wolfman news Station groaned Barcules.  The driver drove the taxi into a far alley two or three streets away from the bar.

Hey, what are you doing, this is not the station.  I know said the driver.  At that moment, a smokescreen came out of the AC.  Then, Faceless Detective appeared in his suit and overcoat and fedora.  You're the driver screamed Barcules.  Faceless Detective locked the doors.  And then he slammed Barcules back into his seat.  How did you hear about the murder this morning.  I'm not telling you said Barcules.  Faceless Detective punched his nose.  All right.  I'll tell you.  The killer's henchmen told me about the murder.  Why did you go to them shouted Faceless Detective.  I was running out of story ideas.  I was about to get fired.  I needed a story and fast.  How did you find the henchmen asked Faceless Detective.  I have underworld connections.said Barcules.

Just then, Barcules pulled out a knife and tried to stab Faceless Detective.  Faceless Detective blocked the knife, and then disarmed Barcules.  Tell me more said Faceless Detective...

There was a man named Joe Duncules.  Duncules was the killer's right-hand man.  Joe and his friends were talking when they heard a tapping noise.  All of the sudden Faceless Detective burst through the window.  It's the faceless freak, said one of the thugs.  Faceless Detective took out all the thugs, and then when after Duncules.  The right-hand man of the killer would soon be trapped in a dead-end wall.  We can do this the hard way or the easy way.  Your choice.  And don't even think about getting your gun.  Alright, I'll tell you Johnny Barman is the killer.  He's a mass murder, who should've been put away years ago.  Why are you working with him?  At first I wanted to work with my best friend, and he made me fly solo I was going to rat him out anyway.  Thanks for the information said Faceless Detective.  Then he knocked Duncules out.

"Bleep bleep bleep" Faceless Detective's cell phone was ringing: Dr. Robert Durkin.  Hello said Faceless Detective.   Faceless Detective, this is Robert Durkin come down to the lab, I think I might have found who our friend is...

Faceless Detective went down to Durkin's laboratory.  I decoded the identification bage
and I think we identified our late friend here, said  Durkin.  Who is she?  Asked Faceless Detective.  Her Name Is Pamela Atlins.  She Was a Scientist and a Good Friend of Mine.  Why Would Johnny  Barman  Want to Kill Her?  Asked Durkin.  That's What I'm Going to Find out.  Said Faceless Detective.

Faceless Detective Went into His Private Office, Where He Had Dossier Folders on Every Case He Had Worked on.  Faceless Detective Worked on His Laptop.  He typed in: Johnny Mathis, plus Pamela Atlins.  He pressed the enter key.  A database full of newspaper articles, website articles police files and morgue files revealed that Mrs. Pamela Atlins was doing an experiment on the steroid that Johnny Barman had created.

Barman  had threatened to kill her three months before.  Pamela had requested police protection, but police Commissioner John Roderic had refused.  Johnny Barman had a lawyer who had kept him out of the court room with the help of a few corrupt judges. The case was solved! now to get Barman!




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End Part I





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Well, What do you think?


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#2 2008-04-23 20:39:47

?
Conspiracy Theorist
From: New York
Registered: 2006-06-26
Posts: 1874
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Re: Faceless Detective Short!

This has a ton of potential! However I recommend that you use quotation marks more, as the general lack of them made reading the dialogue rather hard.

Also, some of these names are fantastic! Travis Barcules!!!


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#3 2008-04-24 01:00:52

Eric
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From: Capital Region, NY
Registered: 2006-05-07
Posts: 1787
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Re: Faceless Detective Short!

Yeah, I'd have the same critique as ? -- put your dialog in quotation marks, and start a new paragraph with each speaker.

And I also wonder where your names are coming from. Barcules indeed! That's awesome.

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#4 2008-04-25 14:36:06

Qman
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From: Hub City (Denver, Colorado)
Registered: 2007-08-19
Posts: 189
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Re: Faceless Detective Short!

I wrote this with speech recognition software. when i said insert quotation marks the software did not know what the heck i was doing. this story was my first piece with the software. Thanks for the comments! i want to make the faceless detective shorts like the O'Neil/Cowan stories but keep them PG-13 at max. any suggestions?


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#5 2008-04-25 21:08:01

?
Conspiracy Theorist
From: New York
Registered: 2006-06-26
Posts: 1874
Website

Re: Faceless Detective Short!

I'd say, why not try revising this piece a little by hand...or by keyboard. Just to work out the little things (like the quotation marks) and then worry about future stories.


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#6 2010-03-01 18:48:33

Qman
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From: Hub City (Denver, Colorado)
Registered: 2007-08-19
Posts: 189
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Re: Faceless Detective Short!

PART II COMES SOON


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#7 2010-03-18 00:19:41

Eric
Site Administrator
From: Capital Region, NY
Registered: 2006-05-07
Posts: 1787
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Re: Faceless Detective Short!

How soon is now?

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#8 2010-03-23 17:32:48

Qman
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From: Hub City (Denver, Colorado)
Registered: 2007-08-19
Posts: 189
Website

Re: Faceless Detective Short!

in a few weeks. SPOILER ALERT: THE ITALIAN MAFIA WILL BECOME A MAIN PART OF THIS PIECE  SO GET IN A GODFATHER/SOPRANOS MOOD!


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#9 2010-08-25 20:31:46

Qman
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From: Hub City (Denver, Colorado)
Registered: 2007-08-19
Posts: 189
Website

Re: Faceless Detective Short!

Part II IS IN PROGRESS AFTER 1/2 YEARS


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